Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "All gave some, and some gave all" Remember 9/11......

   Dear Lord please help me be strong enough not to share my political views on Facebook so I do not offend half the people I know. Amen. There I said it. Go Broncos!!!!

   Self esteem doesn't come from a bottle. Of course not, you pour it into a glass.

   Kim Kardashian says her divorce was like beating cancer. In archived footage, Kim can be seen beating and blowing a 12 inch cancer.

   I don't always eat breakfast naked, but when I do, I get escorted out of IHOP really quickly......

   Women who are addicted to sex are called 'nymphomaniacs', while men who are addicted to sex are called 'men.

   I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.

   I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."

   I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.

   It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.

   Dating a single mother is like continuing on from somebody else's saved game.

   Just heard that Janet Jackson and Randy Travis are doing the Super Bowl halftime show..

   The brain has around 100 billion neurons in it. Makes you think

   "Fix You". One of my favourite Coldplay songs. Please don't sing it tonight though!

   no letters were harmed in the making of this status update....okay, maybe the letter E's got stabbed but they had it coming....

   Flying free & wrecklesly, Til someone picked up the fly swatter!

   Rub her the wrong way and she'll scream AT you. Rub her the right way and she'll scream FOR you!

   If drinking tequila straight from the bottle is wrong, then I'm the wrongest person at this church service.

   Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P