Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

   Here is a billion dollar idea - manufacture toilet paper with the Koran printed on it.

   Girl sneezes. I said 'bless you'. Hope that is a clear enough signal I'd like to take her out.

   wiping my ass with the Koran after taking the biggest dump of my life!

   I will address an obviously elderly woman as "young lady" because I'm a charming m0therfucker.

   Ladies, it's football season. Time to dust off your vibrat0rs.

   Whatever doesn't kill you makes me angrier.

   After spending 90 bucks for a gas fill-up today, I'm starting to see the advantages of being Amish....

   What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.

   well dip me in chocolate and call me the president .

   The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya yaya mocha choca latte ya ya

   .... SEAL Team 6 Killed the bearded one ..... let's get that straight .... once and for all!!!!!

   ..... Geez ...... those movie critics in the Middle East are a tough crowd....

   Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects.

   Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting each other with pieces of cardboard.....PILLOW FIGHT

   If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.

   We text 24/7, but when we meet, it's so awkward.

   Mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating!

   What doesn't kill you, leaves you alive for something else that will.