Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Enough with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

   I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

   Stop with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

   The real power of a man… Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

   Question, If I sued someone for making me deaf, would a court grant me my hearing?

   Since we cancelled COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds...

   Woo hoo, camouflage condoms. They will never see me cumming.

   I was a little embarrassed today......Didn't find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

   Today is National Lobster day and I guess that makes it a good day to be a bit shellfish.

   it normal to be out of breath when eating three Burrito Supremes?

   My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.

   when I donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

   A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire ~ the guy in front of me, apparently

   I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

   Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

   Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

   I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

   We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.