Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

   realizes that coffee just isn't enough today ... Anyone have jumper cables I can borrow ?

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   Fake Love: Her: Good morning love of my life, beat of my heart. Him: God morning sunshine, reason I live. True Love: Her: coffee if you want it. Him: Ehhhh.

   Just walked in the room and the girl on the news was saying"we like it to be at least 10 inches but we prefer it to be longer than 12 inches.She was talking about people donating hair.Thank goodness.

   I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.

   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

   There's nothing wrong with my attitude. It's in full working order.

   The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.

   Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.

   Be your own best friend. Everyone will be jealous.

   Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.

   Whoever put "good" and "morning" together deserves a good slap in the face.

   Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn't need to tell everyone about it?

   Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.

   Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2012 was like.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."