Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just checking in to make sure that there is ample drama in my timeline. Yup, looks good to me.

   i hate when things come between us, our clothes for instance

   My cat's black and he doesn't get offended when I use the 'N' word, so why should you?

   I have a bad habit of dropping pants as soon as someone knocks my bedroom door.

   Just had a near-death experience; almost used the wrong toothbrush.

   What doesn't kill you makes you pour a stronger drink.

   What I want is a woman who loves me for my money, but is really really bad at math.

   Me: Where is my superwoman? Her: Aaaw! Am in the kitchen babe;) Me: Typo, I meant where is my supper, woman.

   Sometimes Religion is a crutch for the weak, the lazy, the clueless and the plain ignorant. Many times I have witnessed Christianity used as a refuge by some people who cannot deal with life and its daily struggles, so they turn towards religion for help.

   Android > BlackBerry > Nokia > Fax > Land phone > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > iPhone with iOS 6

   iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > Blackberry

   this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!

   if you do the crime then expect to do the time!!

   going to try to act my age tonight!! Said no cougar ever :)

   Ever take a dump so big your pants fit better?

   If you don't want me pointing out your faults, don't have so many to choose from

   Sometimes when I get bored I bounce my nuts on the keyboard dfhjyffcbhhhjufddxcbnnkiytredcvhkopihf

   Worried cause I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm. Phew!

   I hate it when a co-worker offers to make themselves “perfectly clear” but then I can still see them…and hear them.

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I bounce my boobs on the jfdslkhdjkhkjdvvgffdzbsldk;/ffdlskn\/njvglnxlk\cz/\/sl/\sn