Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grammar died so that Facebook could live.

   If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

   Do you think I'm AWESOME? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b

   I once dated a guy named Dave who hated to be called David. Then, I dated a guy named John, who really hated to be called David.

   Dyslexic zombies crave Brians.

   unappreciated and taken for granted

   there is always someone in the gym shower that thinks she is in a herbal essence shampoo commercial!!

   Only those who dare to fall in love will grow a lot wiser.

   aaron roger and the nfl, how do you like those discount double check refs? signed the real nfl officiating crews

   Dogs and cats are so lucky they can use their tongues on themselves

   Failing a suicide attempt makes you a failure at both life and death.

   If it burns when I pee that just means someone's thinking about my junk right? RIGHT!? GUYS SERIOUSLY

   They key to forgiving somebody is to remember that sometimes, you're an a$$hole, too.

   Save it for someone who's sober and cares.

   I'm like a moth to a beer.

   If airplane windows don't roll down, how does the pilot stick his head out the window to make sure his dog is okay?

   Romney thinks he should be able to pull up to other Gulfstreams, roll down window and ask for Grey Poupon

   If we are all unique, doesnt that mean we all have something in common?

   Dear Lord.....Please lead the NFL out of this referee lockout and deliver us scab free officiating. Amen.

   Big girls DO cry (when they dont get to eat)