Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   True Story: Seeing a car set on fire with no doors at 12 midnight outside your miami house window is a sure sign KuKluxKlan has been doing some recruiting.

   Instead of thinking outside the box, why dont we get rid of the box?

   I wonder how many of you were conceived at an orgy?

   I know it's Fall because my brother got his d ick stuck in the leaf blower again.

   Compared with what normally comes out of Justin Bieber's mouth, I'd say vomit was probably the highlight of the concert.

   If a tree fell in the woods and knocked over my beer, I'd be pretty darned mad whether I heard it or not.

   If we all agree not to wake up Green Day today we can get rid of them forever.

   The only downside to divorce is learning how to work all the appliances…

   It takes everything I have to lie to your face and tell you I never loved you.

   Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

   Guys: You know that thing you do where you try to make us believe you have no feelings? How is that working out for YOU?

   Off to church with the family. Hopefully it is "Facebook Friendly".

   I'm really on the fence with this election coming up. I wish people would post more on Facebook to help me make this difficult decision easier said no one ever.

   Dancing on my grave? Over my dead body!!!

   I like walking under the rain so no one knows I'm crying" ... B! tch please ! I like walking in the pool so no one knows I'm peeing !

   I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday

   I will get drunk and dress like Batman tonight. The city needs me. Unfortunately, wife won't let me out the yard when I'm dressed like this.

   Ladies, You know that thing you do, where you try to make us guess what you're feeling? How's that working out for you?

   I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

   I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.