Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey girls who cut their hair really short, you must have gotten fed up from guys throwing themselves at you which is why you chose to do it.

   Call me crazy but when a baby won't stop crying I ask its mom to spread her legs and I try to gently shove it back in her.

   Fellaz; Kiss her like you OWN her. Chicks dig that.

   As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for lingerie is asking for a fitting room

   What a beautiful world it would be if only boobs were the answer to all the world's problems.

   You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that s hit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

   September 24th was National Punctuation Day did you know this I didn't hear anything about it do we really need a day set aside for this

   Did you guys hear about the new "Exorcist" movie? A woman hires the Devil to pull a priest out of her son. BADA BING BADA BOOM

   I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...

   Rihanna isn't the prettiest girl around but I'd hit it...

   Trying to figure out who's a better actor, Paul Walker or this ham and cheese sandwich I just made.

   A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   I'll stand at the front door until she finally asks, “Are you coming inside?” It never gets old.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things so far in advance. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

   I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.

   Rome wasn't built in a day but they could have built at least three of them in a women's five minutes.

   I'm kinda tired of the same 7 jokes and all their 12,000 variations on my timeline.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.