Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies; Do you get more jealous when your boyfriend talks to someone prettier than you or someone smarter/clever than you?

   Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I'm in 3rd.

   If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.

   There's a spider in my panic room. Ironic little thing.

   It's not a real party unless someone gets a d ick drawn on their face.

   I hate to imagine the drinks served at a party in your pants.

   16 and pregnant? Where were all these slutty girls when I was 18?

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   Most relationships can survive a lot, but not shopping together for a new couch.

   If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.

   I named my truck Karma, so if I ever run someone over I can say: Yeah…it was Karma.

   Voting for president is getting to the point where it's simply which guy would you rather watch dump all your money into a toilet and flush.

   If you don't grab the opportunity by the ass someone else will.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   Fellaz; Stop whining about being friend zoned. I'm sure it's an upgrade from the usual “Never in a million year”, “Not if you were the last man on earth” or “leave me the hell alone”. At least you are not in the dead zone.

   If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.

   Given that he's a wrestler, do you think Hulk Hogan was "REALLY" having sex on that tape?

   Buses are just limos for poor people.

   Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.