Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a prince once. I traded him in for a man.

   I masturbate so much that when a woman tries to give me a hand job my d ick yells "stranger danger!"

   You know how people tend to become like their pets and vice versa? My dog needs a liver transplant.

   There's something F'd up with America if Lindsay Lohan can get in a fight in a limo then take a private jet from NY to LA...

   found the secret to life via this mathematical formula. To calculate, enter the following in Google: exp((-(((x-4)^2+(y-4)^2)^2))/1000)+exp((-(((x+4)^2+(y+4)^2)^2))/1000)+0.15*exp(-(((x+4)^2+(y+ 4)^2)^2))+0.15*exp(-(((x-4)^2+(y-4)^2)^2

   10/11/12. We get it, already. Except it's really 10/11/2012...

   Some are offended by my use of profanity. So them, I'd like to say F uck off!!

   Look..I'm not trying to be difficult...it actually comes easy to me.

   Today has been brought to you by the numbers 10. 11. 12

   Farts are always funny, except the wet ones, those are only funny when it happens to someone else.

   I've decided to be a mythological creature for Halloween this year. It's a tie between a unicorn or a proud Brown's fan.

   One of the women I work with said she doesn't feel like being bothered today so she's just going to leave the tampon wrapper right on top of my desk.

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.

   I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.

   When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.

   I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."

   MiO is the best invention ever. I keep a red colored one on my desk now and no one bats an eye when I drink this vodka and cranberry at work anymore.

   I was just charged 8 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich. I blew my rape whistle in the waiters face.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   Maybe I should be Tony Romo for Halloween so kids can intercept candy that I pass out.