Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For months I thought this guy at the grow shop was retarded but today I found out he's only from Australia.

   The problem with most women is that they wont have sex with me.

   The difference between "I do" and "Do me" is the happily ever after part.

   Fellas, be with a woman who doesn't mind getting her hands and face all messy while eating chicken... trust me on this one

   Listening intently... Listening intently... Listening intently... "... and then my boyfriend..." Dead to me.

   Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate's face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.

   Before you judge Mitt Romney, try walking a mile in his backyard.

   ♫ I'm tasty and I know it! Sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle!♫ - Bacon.

   Guys, if she kicks your a$$ at pool and darts, she's probably not the marrying kind...

   I bought some of that new emo lawn seed the other day... Yeah, It was a little more expensive,,, but the grass cuts itself.

   Did you know that every 60 seconds,,, Somewhere in Africa,,,, a minute passes.

   I farted So loud,,, it scared the dog out of the room and I raised my hands in triumph and shouted,,, "There can be only one!"

   Ladies, why spend hundreds on make-up, sexy clothes, & perfume looking for Mr. Perfect when you can just eat a banana at the grocery store?

   Don't just love me, be in love with me & show me true happiness; after all, we've got to make it worth the forthcoming heartbreak.

   You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   It's too bad your delusions of grandeur are superseded by your ability to self sabotage.

   I'd count on you only if I ran out of fingers.

   A real superpower is smiling during your hardest times.