Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor

   amazing that anyone under 30 thinks foreign policy has to do with how well you play Call of Duty

   Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.

   Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?

   Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.

   Was comforting my lesbian friend because her girlfriend broke her heart. I told her they have a pill for that. "What's the name of it?" she asked. I replied "trycoxagain"

   I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes

   What people call it the presidential debate, I call it the world's most expensive puppet show.

   You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.

   Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

   women these days.....some of their eyebrows looks like they are sponsored by NIKE.

   You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!

   that was good I walked into walmart and walkout pissed off and a headache in under 2 mins. is it wrong to want to flip off the golden girl at the front door when she says have a nice day

   if I could describe myself with just one word, it would be "bad with directions..."

   A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised.

   I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

   wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.

   Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.