Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last time I saw a vag!na was apparently, the last time.

   in California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   If Donald Trump combs his hair back live on TV facing the camera, I'll send a check for $5 to any "Hair Club For Men" chapter of his choice....

   If you start caring about yourself than people will also start caring about you.

   Oh man, I almost forgot about The Alamo.

   I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas

   If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.

   Two days ago Lance Armstrong had 7 more Tour De Frances than me. This has been quite a comeback from me.

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!

   My ideal job is probably just singing the "Not this time" part in that En Vogue song "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)".

   I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up. I did however get 6 years in jail for armed robbery on a Gas Station

   I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking

   I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me

   Can I add you on Facebook ? Cos I would like to Poke you

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   Dreamt I went to the gym so, I'm counting that as a workout.

   People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   Destroying my chances at getting elected to public office on Facebook post at a time.