Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

   Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal. They claim they were regularly fisted by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week. Both Sooty and Sweep claim they where so traumatized it left the

   You know your ass is getting big when it's cold and you have to use BOTH seat warmers in your car...

   Looking forward to seeing New York the day after tommorrow. Sandy

   Roger Clemens is coming back to baseball at age 50. Proof that if you work hard and live right you'll lose your roster spot to Clemens.

   Soon Hurricane Sandy will be like Snookie... blowing the entire east coast.

   I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet.

   I'm too pretty not to be having sex right now.

   The only thing missing from a guy that goes home alone from the bar every night is confidence.

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.

   Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English.

   Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.

   A quick and easy way to take care of a problem is to light it on fire.

   I just found my soul mate at work. She pulled up a chair to use the water cooler. Now that's MY kinda lazy.

   i have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. all he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary

   I prematurely panicked with the hurricane Sandy warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   Hurricane Tip: If you get stung by a wind flung jellyfish have a friend pee on you, ASAP......