Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being Hugh Hefner's ex is as prestigious as being tall enough to get on a carnival ride.

   When you get home this evening, surprise your family by kicking the door in.

   It's that time of year again. Scary decorations, terrifying advertising, and random people going door to door. Election season.

   What people call Pharmaceutical doctors, I call legal drug dealers. Medically certified to kill you. *Ask your doctor if this status is right for you*

   I wonder how many times Michelle reminds Barack that he's only half black??

   What if STDs were spread through COPY and PASTE?!?

   Yes if you're looking for someone who's "healthy" for you...definitely don't look my way.

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   If it doesn't kill you, kill it before it tries again!

   You never see zombies in wheelchairs.

   Tonight, I'm gonna party like I have $19.99.

   If there's anything I teach my daughter it will be to not ignore the nerds. Those people grow up to be sexy!

   I'm going as drunk homeless girl for Halloween, because no costume needed and I can pass out on the neighbors lawn with no questions asked.

   I love sitting with her at night, holding hands, imagining life without her.

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   I say we start with UNDENIABLE proof that Donald Trump is not a reptilian overlord.

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

   I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.