Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Tylenol, as a Father, I can respect the fact that you make your products child-proof. However, as a consumer with a splitting headache, I hate your fricken guts 'cause I can't open the damn packet with my fingers...

   I invented some cologne called come to me, does it smell like come to you

   Dear sleep , I kow we had problems when I was younger but I love you now.

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Carmel covered onions. Halloween is fun.

   So, if a President (any, not just BO) can travel the US campaigning nonstop for weeks on end, how damn hard can the job be??

   I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

   You're not a loser because you're covered in tattoos. You're covered in tattoos because you're a loser…

   Got home from work,, The Athlete in me said go bike 10 miles, but then the Couch Potato in me said, kick back, have a drink and turn on the boob tube.....

   This just in: Hurricane Sandy hits Cuba, does $6,000,000.00 in improvements!!

   If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.

   Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor.

   Fact: 82% of men that announce they are in the "Hiz-ouse" reside in their mom's "Biz-asement."

   "The Goddess that is Judge Judy"....said no one ever.

   If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   My alcoholic friends are upset with me. I kept "sober" texting them at 3 in the afternoon

   "Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient. "Why should I do that?" "The waiting room's full and the football game's on in ten minutes."

   Being single sucks. The only thing I get to do is whatever I want.

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?