Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Common scence is knowing the chocolate bar I left in my work truck all day would be a melted mess. Starvation would be eating it anyways.

   I'm cleaning out my car today, in case anyone needs 27 half-empty bottles of water.

   I'm think that this Halloween I'm going to scare everyone I know by texting them “We need to talk.”

   When I was a kid I use to change costumes a few times and revisit houses to get more candy.

   Useing the bathroom in Taco Bell, an the guy in the stall next to me has some bad diarrhea, stank'in up the place...I almost couldn't eat my last super burrito!

   Due to the sensitivity of some people on Faceboo, here is a list of uncomfortable subjects will not joke about:................................................................................................................................ Still here?

   They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.

   When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

   Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

   if you call yourself "world renowned", guess what? You aren't...

   I wonder where rich Swiss people hide their money...

   Have you ever been with a girl when you couldn't get it up and once you finally did, you finished in like 30 seconds? Um…me neither…

   Mary had a little Lamb. Now she doesn't. Eid Mubarak

   Hmmm, I think I'm going to hand out bottles of 5 hour energy instead of candy this year.

   Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head for wanting an education and she doesn't die, how can you be sure that God is on your side?

   not quite feeling myself today. I'm going to see if booze helps...

   Looks like cold weather has returned. Guess I'll let me back hair grow out for winter...

   You haven't Tweeted in a few days, what's up? @lancearmstrong

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The shaker, ice and Rumple combination is the most common

   Put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it. Now its inside out. Send help.