Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PS Don't light every scented candle you own if the power go's out. You'll have a Yankee Candle store-grade headache....

   Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....

   Hurricane Survival Pro Tip #2: If your neighbor is a jerk, point your patio umbrella at their windows. See what happens in 80mph winds......

   Sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to disagree?.. I've travelled the world and ate 7 peas... Everybody's lookin fo Dunkin...

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

   ok, instead of ...... to indicate a pause, i'll just put "oh, look a squirrel"!

   Studies show fewer Democrats vote when it rains on Election Day. I guess they don't want the stuff in their shopping cart to get wet.

   Sometimes when you cry, no one see's your tears. Sometimes when your in pain no one see's your hurt. Sometimes when your worried no one see's your stress. Sometimes when your happy no one see's your smile. But fart one time and the whole world knows.

   CONSERVATIVE"I'm more traditional like a flathead screwdriver vote for me" LIBERAL "I'm more modern like a phillips screwdriver vote for me" VOTERS "No matter who wins we're SCREWED"

   Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frikken Sandy.....

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien spaceship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe Flash Player.

   my biggest pet peeve is these morons who can't type words correctly or know how to use punctuation. Scense is not a word and when in the English language do you ever use ,,,,,,,,?

   Of course Russia was evil,,, They sent a dog up into space,,,,,, Everyone Knows that dogs HATE vacuums

   Titties without nipples would be pointless!!

   Hey Weather Channel,,, "Frankenstorm" is the doctor's name...."Frankenstorms Monster" is what Earth is dressing up as for Halloween

   Hey Electoral college,,,, Sorry,, I wasn't paying attention,,,what do I do if my election lasts for more than 4 hours?

   Hey,, I put on my pants same as everyone else......... reluctantly

   Hey Emo girl,,,,, what if you got a bunch of eyebrow rings,,, and put up little curtains over your eyes,,,,,, I bet you could really sleep better then

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts.

   I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.