Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Angry drunks have everyone's phone number.

   I dont ask much of my women, just call me Daddy and do everything I say.

   Bruno Mars looks like a nice lesbian. I think he and Justin Bieber would make a cute interr@cial couple.

   My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook.

   if you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.

   Flush twice. Key West needs water.

   My hurricane tip of the day: if you live in the Northeast, OMG HURRICANE COMING PANIC......

   procuring stones to cast at thou.

   Before you start telling people lies, make sure they don't already know the truth. Lest you make a fool of yourself.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is me checking out her ass.

   I don't want perfect, I want honesty.

   The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."

   Ladies; loving your husband comes down to 2 simple points. 1. Accept his flaws. 2. Point them out when losing any argument.

   My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she's my first.

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver!

   The ladder to success sure does have a lot of p enises on it.

   “I make it rain on them hoes.” - Clouds

   Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

   I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

   I'm using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It's really coo... Hey! What are you doing? That's my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...