Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I haven't been around much guys. Been out having sex and doing things. Minus the sex and things

   If she really loves her cat, then that's who's making the most important decisions in her life.

   Bands will make her dance, Food Stamps will make her twerk. But if Romne why becomes president, yall hos will have to work.

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ

   Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"

   Felt kinda weird to tell my old School bus dricer that she's too old for me now.

   I put the 'extra vag' in extravaganza

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   Watching post Halloween walks of shame is the best.

   Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.

   My girlfriend stripped teased for me last night. Well, she's not really my girlfriend, and I had to pay a cover charge.

   If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead.

   I hate those see through elevators because that's my damn time to pick my nose in private.

   going to the toilet solely to masturbate called a number 3?

   Kind people without hidden agendas rock my world.

   Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   Tell me everything but dont use words.

   One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…

   Face down, ass up, skip yoga, chase the icecream truck.