Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prematurely panicked with the hurricane Sandy warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   Hurricane Tip: If you get stung by a wind flung jellyfish have a friend pee on you, ASAP......

   I think I ate to much, I dont mean right now. Just in general.

   I think stuffed animals have learned their lesson.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.

   when people say that drinking is not the answer, it makes me wonder if they truly understand the question.

   ■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!

   All the hookers in NYC named Sandy...their rates just tripled!

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Chocolate & Caramel covered Onions. Halloween is fun.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.

   OMG! MY ROOM IS SO DIRTY!! Oh nevermind, I found febreeze.

   To all the faatt h oezss that only take pics from the neck up .... good try but I'm a master a detecting hippos

   Pfft, you are seeking advice from a fortune cookies. Go ahead and listen to your cookies if you want, everybody knows the real advice comes from the Taco Bell Sauce packs.

   Looks like Hurricane Sandy got tired of Jersey Shore as well.