Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.

   all these bars are offering a drink special called "hurricane sandy" don't fall for it though it's just a watered down Manhattan...

   People told me I need to go out more often!But the true is I need to shut up more often !

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

   It's going to hard to get out and vote if I have to keep answering phone calls from people urging me to get out and vote.

   I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

   Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

   If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

   They say that fat girls try harder. Not in the gym they don't.

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   FarmVille 2 ... Because you're a sequel wanting twat.

   I tried to commit suicide last night. I won't be trying that again I nearly died.

   My wife just called me stupid, then said she was going outside to catch some air. Air can neither be seen nor touched, and I'M stupid?

   WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*

   I respect the person who let women into the Army. Woman on period + gun = unstoppable

   *alarm*...*snooze*....*alarm*....*snooze*....*alarm*..*checks time*..."Oh sh*t!"

   When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."

   Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.