Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hurricane Sandy has been found in a New Jersey swamp. Two bullets behind the ear. Hands tied behind her back. Thank you, Tony Soprano.

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in two days after purchasing Lucas Arts, Disney in a deal with Harpo Studios will hire Oprah to play the role of Jar Jar Binks in the new upcoming Star Wars 7 movie...

   I am in great marriage...Says my wife

   I'm individually wrapped for freshness, that's why I get dressed in the mornings!!

   It's National Stomach Ache Day.

   Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!!!!

   Well behaved women rarely make browser history.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us, who fought for, and won, the right to party.

   You say stalker, I say dedicated. You say psycho, I say nothing says I love you like a severed cat head.

   what do you expect from a species that quotes Marilyn Monroe?

   What doesn't kill me just makes me want to kill someone else.

   She said, "I finally got my period." and all I heard was, "You get to keep your paychecks."

   Men, if you're looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there's WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the kitchen.

   I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.

   I always thought someone coughing all day got right on my nerves. It appears I was wrong, it's actually someone sniffing

   So windy in New York, the Statue of Liberty has been caught doing Marilyn Monroe impressions.

   Crazy how music speaks when words can't...

   what if "Gangnam Style" is just giant rain dance and brought hurricane Sandy upon America?

   Tip #12 for Halloween: Dont go dress-up as a toilet and walk in a bar when it just happened to be nickle beer night.

   I know it Halloween and stuff, but A white bronco just pulled up and threw out 2 bodies and then sped off really fast.....(Ö_Ö) on the lawn