Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.

   I've a bottle of Champagne chilling for election night. If Romney wins I'll drink a glass. If Obama wins I'll drink the whole thing then start on whiskey....

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least a thousand dollars.

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisin cookies in the world and throw them in the trash.

   I'll bet it would be excruciating to listen to Foghorn Leghorn sing a cover version of Jackson/McCartney's "Say Say Say."

   Please don't curse and use bad words when you comment on my posts. My mother f*cking family is on Facebook. Thank you.

   what have we learned from Katrina and Sandy? If you're b lack and live near the coast, you're f ucked...

   Dems hate rich people except those who can sing, act or play a sport...

   If I ever get tagged in a Yoga photo, please send the police, I have been kidnapped by some Zen extremists.........!!!!!

   69% of people on FB are childish and immature

   Everyone don't forget to get out and vote. Tell all of your friends too. Republicans on Tuesday and Democrats on Wednesday.

   looking for a female that will go down on me as much as dish network does!

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

   Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two