Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Baby with a face like yours, I bet you just beat off all the guys!

   thinking it's time to stand up! My bum is numb...

   Cold toilet seats are no joke.

   I complained about a headache. Then I met a man with no head.

   "Doctor" is the most distinguished title that sounds like "dog turd."...just an observation, that's all @(ᵕ.ᵕ)@

   How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

   Don't worry, ladies. Cellulite goes away when you bend over.

   Grammar Nazis have typo negative blood.

   I don't really care what you think of me!! Unless you think I'm awesome. In which case you would be right :)

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities.

   Just took a dump without my phone. Where do I collect my Nobel Peace Prize?

   Any chair is a high chair if you smoke enough weed.

   I rated my wife's cooking on urbanspoon.. I sure hope she does not see it.

   First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.