Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Justin Beaver!!! Vanilla Ice called.......he wants his hair back

   It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

   My phone broke. I took it back to the Sprint store and they didn't want to give me a new one. They said "Nothing works 100% of the time, except Mexicans"

   When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.

   I wish I could go back in time and meet the teenage versions of my parents.

   Mary Jane is not a ho, so don't hit it and quit

   Today's Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME

   Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It's sufficient for me but how will you survive?

   There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients

   I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday

   Girl: I wasn't that drunk. Guy: You put your iPhone in the blender trying to make apple juice.

   Three things cannot be long hidden …… The sun, The moon and The truth.

   Don't you wish some damn people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.

   I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

   Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked all the time

   Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

   A Model you say?...More like a photogenic slut...

   I don't like using public restrooms,,,, Mostly because I've seen the public.

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid