Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why am I doing homework?? the world ends in 40 days

   One way to keep women out of NASCAR.... Don't throw the Yellow when she's stopped backwards on the race track...

   If you don't get a text or email for 10 minutes you restart your phone because its probably frozen, right?

   If they were to make a porn on my life, It would be fully clothed people apologizing to each other.

   ""What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.""

   It is ironic that Bain outsourced Levi's, Hagar, and EDS to India before their workers outsourced Mitts job to Kenya.

   Been trying to write a romantic poem for hours, but so far all I have is "a55 rocket".

   I'm so glad to see Selena Gomez has finally gone straight!

   I'm sure both Justin and Selena already have new boyfriends

   Justin and Selena broke up. I guess she got tired of dating girls and wants to give guys a try.

   Was Noah an animal hoarder?

   It's like my dad always said,,,, "Don't call me Dad."

   In every successful relationship the MANalways has the last word,,,"Yes Dear"

   Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.

   My bed is like a little p0rn movie set, except for the lights, cameras and action.

   I'm tired of the stereotypes people have about the Irish. As soon as I finish this beer I'm leaving the bar and kicking someone's ass.

   I drink coffee every morning so that I don't bite your head off, so don't say I never do anything for you.

   You say you want to get away from your demons, yet you come running to me.

   But what if a Liverpool fan actually wants to walk alone so that he can fart in privacy?