Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of the his re-election pants are at half ass across the country.

   I wish I could move out of country now, however immigrant laws of other countries prevent me from doing that... I hear the U.S is pretty lenient on immigrants, I might try there.... Doooope

   I'm making a list of people I like. The ones who say "autumn" instead of "fall" are the first ones I'm crossing off

   Figured I could get both of today's major statuses out of the way today with one word: Snowbama!

   I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them

   What? As of 22:00 GMT, Obama got 60,432,775 votes. Romney got 57,631,452 votes.

   Breaking news: Colorado will soon be re-named Little Amsterdam and will host Cheech and Chong Headquarters. Also there will be a state Bong: Chong's Bongs! that is all!

   I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.

   If Evolution were REALLY a real thing,,,,, A LONG time ago, Men would have developed a defence to the ole "kick in the nuts"

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   After spending over millions of dollar on the Election Campaing, I heard Romney is broke now..... He can clean up my neighbors yards with all them Rep. signs, i'll pay him in food stamps.

   I'm 7 1/2 hours into my 8hour workday, from here on out my payroll is for me and my family. You're welcome America!

   Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.

   I thought she was trying to tell me that masturbation was wrong. What she was really saying was she didn't want me doing it in her kitchen.

   I need a hug. From your thighs.

   My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.

   Some things get in the way of my happiness so I ignore them.

   You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.

   Denver is going to be the mile "really" high city...

   My brain will dispose of you in a split second, my heart on the other hand will hold on like a hoarder.