Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!

   if Big Foot's actually existed don't you think someone would've found a skeleton by now??

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different

   The thing about Truth is, it is always True!

   John Denver's “Rocky Mountain High” the new official song for the state of Colorado...

   I love strippers. They're awesome. Plus I can't get my girlfriend to do shi t for a dollar.

   Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your a$$hole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

   Marry the person who makes you forget about Facebook and thank them for saving your life.

   The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is DANCE BATTLE

   I think my virginity is growing back.

   Mitt Romeny's sitting in the dark somewhere drinking decaf and rubbing sweet and low on Sarah Palin's gums.

   I feel bad for the kids these days that see a cool toy on TV, but can't order it because their parents have to be over 18 to call.

   Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it's any consolation, I don't know what he ever saw in you.

   I haven't bathed in so long I'm starting to smell European.

   'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?