Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Big Mac and moaned.

   All flights to Colorado have been cancelled. The sky is just too foggy.

   A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

   A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.

   I went horseback riding yesterday, it was awesome feeling the wind in my hair...... Till the K-mart manager came out and said I had to leave...jerks!

   My cat is totally drinking soda out of my glass and I don't even give a shit 'cause I want her to stay up late with me to write rap songs.

   I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.

   Buy her alcohol, lots of alcohol. Women love it when you buy them alcohol.

   I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.

   If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell haven't had enough vodka. Here is another glass.

   Let me raise a glass in your honor so I can smash it against your head.

   It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out.

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   I'm going to start smoking again until I find someone better to do with my mouth.

   Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.

   The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

   Who else finds it incredibly hot when your partner stays awake during sex?

   It's all fun and games making fun of me and my fanny pack until you find out there's an ounce of meth in it.

   Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.

   The thought of you makes me clench my thighs......hard.