Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.

   if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a sh!t what your name is.

   based on those Storage War tards, my s hit is worth $3.2 million...

   Nothing worse than staying the night at the girlfriend's house for the first time and having diarrhea.

   Its like the Mayans knew this was coming........CIA has been compromise, No mo tickle me Elmo, and Slena went Str8 again

   So who's buying their kids Elmo toys this Christmas?....Anyone...?

   Mmmm...I see why Obama kept PBS

   Watching this growing TOP CIA scandal is proof that women secretly runs the world!!!

   So...I'm the only one left Occuying Wall Street so I'm going home...

   (._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rolling. They hating.

   Christian Democrats the perfect oxymoron !

   see ladies, it's easy to get ahead in life. Just marry a surgeon and screw a General...

   I liked Red Dawn the first time I saw it 28 years ago when it was called "Red Dawn".

   If I could choose between world peace and a reasonable fortune, my first Lambo would be red.

   I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.

   It's drizzy outside, expect a Lil Wayne.

   Hey, do you have change for a $20? $20's are change, bro.

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.