Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came I saw I did not take it in the ass.

   When buying new sunglasses, always ask yourself, “Do these make me look like a Kardashian or a pedophile?”

   Sometimes I feel sorry for God.... He's a single parent and all his children are jerks who think they know it all.

   Only 33 days until the end of the world. Why is everyone acting so normal?

   I walk in on my wife putting on wrinkle cream. I ask what she's doing....she replies "Ironing"!!

   Sign over a gynecologist's office - "Dr. Levy, at your cervix."

   Santa, this Christmas all I want is a fat bank account and a slim body. Lets not mix the two up like last year, ok?

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

   Breaking News: Romney buys rights to all Jack in the Box tacos sold in Colorado

   I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."

   So if you ever want to experience the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse, all you have to do is wait in line for Black Friday at your nearest Wal-Mart...

   Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?

   Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.

   remember when being homecoming queen meant you were hot and popular

   Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....

   Colorado Legalizes Marijuana and peyton manning buys 20 papa johns stores in Colorado! some people just get it!

   You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.

   Jesus hung out with the prostitutes an sick people. That's what I do whenever I go to a bar.

   Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

   If there is an afterlife, I will spend all of it in the statistics archives looking up how many beers I drank, hours I spent on fb, etc...