Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whether its for you or her. Women want more Mouth in the South.

   I've single handedly defeated my erection...

   Day 10 - I am thankful for toilet paper... no explaination needed.

   Bieber & Gomez split up? Does this mean he is finally coming out of the closet?

   HEADLINE - Bieber & Gomez split up! This was my rock, my reason for living - what is left, my world is crumbling around me - how will I continue living ? Wait.. where am I ? I thought this was an article about Captain Crunch being discontinued.

   There is an idiot trying to soil B EGO's good name.

   I'm not clumsy. It's just that the floor hates me, the tables & chairs are bullies & the wall gets in the way.

   I'm not positive...but I think that the "Rinse and Repeat" slogan is just a ploy from the big companies to get me to buy more than 365 bottles of shampoo next year............... I really don't think I'm that gullible......

   Happy 237th birthday Marines!

   I am the Electrical Engineer. Bring it on....

   Two words: Bubble wrap. Two more words: Can't stop.

   What's the largest "Jousting Lance" I can attach to the hood of my car,,,, legally?

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.

   Well,, It took 40 years to finally figure out the answer to the "what do you want to be when you get older" question..................... Younger

   Well... It's taken 3 hours to glue a top hat & cane to this frog but still no "hello my baby, hello my honey" song & dance... Cartoons lie kids

   If you have a facebook page that features both you and your girl....you're a h0m0.

   It's alright to steal my status updates. However, I just want to let you know that I lick each one before I post it.

   Dear Statefarm Insurane Advertising Team, It's time to re-invent yourself thanks.

   A good girlfriend is like a good bra, she uplifting, she is supportive, she fits you well, and she is always close to your heart.

   If the head of the CIA (Petraeus) can't keep a secret such as cheating on his wife, then they're screwed.