Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drink coffee every morning so that I don't bite your head off, so don't say I never do anything for you.

   You say you want to get away from your demons, yet you come running to me.

   But what if a Liverpool fan actually wants to walk alone so that he can fart in privacy?

   You can't prove Jesus wasn't a T-Rex either.

   To stay organized I wear cargo pants and a fishing vest yet I can never find a thing, like my lighter or keys or a girlfriend...

   I think it's pointless to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway and take your money back.

   Kanye West has a pair of $90,000 shoes and he still can't figure out why people hate him.

   its Sunday morning and I'm in a liquor store wearing nothing but a bathing suit and flipflops..so yes Mrs. cashier..im pretty sure I dont need a reciept

   Justin Bieber and Selena have broken...dammit they were my favorite lesbian couple!!

   Seeing a spider is not a problem. It becomes a problem when you can no longer see it.

   I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay

   I finally got a new prophetic leg... I'm starting physical therapy on Monday.... Also Courteney Cox dies while parasailing next May...

   FAXT: you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark

   I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   I want to have kids because I think I'd look really good in pictures with them.

   I'm skipping The Big Bang Theory tonight because I didn't do the previous episode's homework assignment.

   Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   I blocked Taylor Swift but her songs still play on my radio.

   Of course Jesus saves. He's J ewish.