Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only person who thinks I'm amazing just the way I am is Bruno Mars :(

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   Your coffee was getting cold - Was the best excuse I could come up with after my boss caught me farting in his beverage.

   Breaking: Elmo taking over as the "special teams" coach at Penn. State!

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.

   Girls who say " A lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in company fridge. Today I had a prawn sandwich named Kevin.

   "I wanted to watch football on NBC but this figure skating they're showing is cool too". --said no one ever

   "Who are we?" "Women!" "What do we want?" "We don't know!" "When do we want it?" "Now!"

   Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt - people writing on walls and worshiping cats

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last as long for fat people!

   I shot an Elephant in my pajamas.... How he got in my pajamas i'll never know.

   Childbirth...So easy even a woman can do it!

   I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

   I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"

   Not sure if I slept or just drifted into a brief coma... can't explain this taste in my mouth either.

   According to my Domino's Pizza Tracker,,, It's currently in my lower colon...

   Are you cold?" No dumbass, I'm on fuc?ing vibrate mode.

   Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec

   Me with no money: I want everything... Me with money: what the f?ck do I buy