Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.

   man who stands on toilet is high on pot!!

   ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pkg of gum?

   I'm so lazy, I don't walk away from the troubles in my life, I just go to sleep.

   I'm going to take a picture of my middle finger and have copies passed out at my funeral as a last Screw you.

   rolling pennies again!!

   Girls, it is OKAY to admit another girl is pretty. It won't kill you.

   wondering if running late counts as exercise?

   I probably shouldn't be so good at singing the girl parts to songs.

   time is precious...waste it wisely!!

   My internet addiction is getting alt of ctrl

   and the general privates stood at attention......

   Kind of funny that Paula Broadwell's book is called ALL IN

   Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.

   Maybe I should come out with my own sex scandal.....Elmo, Patreaus, Penn State, Arnold, Tiger, Clinton.

   When I fall asleep watching a movie, why do people even ask me, "Are you sleeping?" Goddamit Captain Obvious! Isn't the drool a clear indication?

   If you're happy and you know it slap your face.

   I'm just being myself. Who the hell are you being?