Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”

   Forget about walking the talk and talking the walk; it's time to drink the drink.

   Why can't I just win the stupid lottery already?

   Just dropped and cracked my iPhone. Obviously that's a sign that God wants me to upgrade.

   Paula Broadwell, General Petraeus' biographer, has been hired to write Bill Clinton's biography. Bill can't wait.

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for.Told him "Obama care".

   Who are we? ... men What do we want?... anything that's left over honey When do we want it? I'll take it myself honey.

   She broke my heart I broke her iPhone. Imagine who cried more?

   Think of all the chances you lost because of shyness!

   Its funny when a slut has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

   It is my mission to make you laugh so hard you will cry before you die.

   Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   If you're reading this "send money"!!!!!!

   Go ahead and seceded, you will lose Hollywood and New York and you will gain Texas. YEE-HAW!

   Judging by the empty seats at Dolphin's games, football is doomed in Miami. Time to realize it's soccer and thug roundball city down there. Will the last American to leave Miami please bring the goalposts?

   while strolling thru the park, a dog bit my nutsack...that I carry to feed the squirrels.

   Have you ever broiled a turkey for Thanksgiving? It's not bad if you don't mind your turkey a little rare. Okay, very rare but....

   hi ho hi ho it's off to school I go! I don't learn much because the teacher is nuts ...hi ho hi ho

   you can have Jack Frost!! I want Jack Daniels :)

   I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!