Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have more respect for the toilet paper I just wiped my ass with than I do for Donald Trump.

   Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.

   This morning! I went to the front door naked, not sure what freacked out the post women more. The fact that I was naked or that I knew where she lived.

   Hey! Stop attacking Donald Trump. She is a nice chubby older Polish woman and she deserves some respect.

   Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.

   Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..

   Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...

   Lets treat guns like printers, expensive ink and bullets! that way if you really shoot someone,....oh you really meant to kill them with this $3000 silver bullet!

   if Steve jobs invented the MAC computer, does that make him the original "Mac Daddy"?

   Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?

   I still can't believe I was cited for running through the park naked when it was clearly evident I had black socks on! ツ

   Abuelita , Me das $50? QUE!? Que te de $40? Para que quieres $30 si con $20 es suficiente?... Ten $10 why dale $5 a tu hermano!

   Other than THAT, Mrs. Kennedy...how did you enjoy the ride in the convertible?

   I'll never forget the awesome feeling in kindergarten when I had the largest box of crayons with the sharpener.

   Sorry,,,, My dog ate my homework. -Culinary student.

   Bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here".... Two time travelers walk into a bar.

   You know you're an adult when the prize at the bottom of a cerealnbox is regular bowel movements

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid.

   Don't send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.

   Just took a photo of myself naked. A hundred 'likes' within the next hour, or I'll post it.