Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

   I was in the Air Force and had to parachute out of a plane. I didn't want to. The co-pilot said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun don't shine. I jumped. A little at first.

   So, Los Angeles wants Meatless Monday... and probably followed by Tater Tot Tuesday and Weinerless Wednesday...

   ive seen more humour There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" when you witness a violent parent with their kid in public.

   I was at church when the devil tapped me on the shoulder. He goes, "Aren't you scared?" I said, "No." He said, "Why not?" I go, "I'm married to your sister."

   I think the hives on my arm are trying to start a bluegrass band.

   It'd be pretty mind blowing if a cyclops had two buttholes.

   I just had to explain hobbits to another human being; I am outraged.

   There's nothing worse than being suck in traffic and having to take a dump

   Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.

   I really hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career...

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write "Save Trees" on them...

   I play Tetris. So yeah, I'm a problem solver.

   Apparently you read my lips since you deleted the post A HOLE!

   You know you are playing too much scrabble when you try to use the cursor to change channels on the TV. I thought the darn batteries were used up.

   realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   You have to be 18 to tickle Elmo.

   says Read my lips...$1,600,000,000,000 in new taxes... Thanks GOP Congress

   I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

   Read my lips...$1,600,000,000,000 in new taxes... Thanks Obama.