Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a man gives you an engagement ring without a wedding date, you're not engaged. You're on lay-away.

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   I mean I know I got the vaccines and all, but I used to eat a lot of 7/11 hot dogs, so I was swimming in antibodies long before the shots.

   Don't trust real doctors? You think their purpose in life is to fool the whole world? Then ask your local feed store if Ivenmectin is right for you.

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   If it isn't broken, fix it until it is. 🛠

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   "Where the hell are all these moths coming from?" -Thomas Edison

   Neil Diamond's real name is... Neil Diamond. Grace Slick's real name is... Grace Slick. Engelbert Humperdinck's real name is... Arnold Dorsey. I think about this a lot.

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   The dimmer brat party has changed. I know, I was one. Until Obama and Biden started all this BS we’re dealing with now. Miss Trump yet?

   Amber Alert!! White Male, 70-something yrs old, acts like a 10-year old child, has a stripper for a wife, thinks he won the 2020 election.

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   I am whipped today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

   million dollar idea: worm dehorser

   My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2021. I’m already at $8.32

   Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’