Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   Ready, Set, Weekend !

   We got it own to a science. You keep sending those facebook invites, and I'll keep declining 'em.

   Dopers all over the United States morn as Hostess announces it is shutting down operations. No more sno-balls, Twinkies, King Dons, and other comfort foods. On a brighter note, stock in Cheetoes has gone thru the roof!!!!!

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   So much for my plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse on twinkies.

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   Just got the giant cardboard check folded up and crammed in my wallet from the Publishing Clearinghouse Sweepstakes I won from 1996.

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   I can't help but be jealous of dudes who have those really masculine voices like Miley Cyrus.

   After watching E.T. I'm kinda skeptical. If I found an alien in my shed I'd probably be more likely to beat the crap out of it with a shovel than give it Reese's Pieces.

   To err is human... To not know what err means is American.

   I'm not outta style. I'm outta place.

   I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to swallow...

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   Do these empty pockets make me look slim?