Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best things about celebrating the holiday with family as you get older is the kids table now contains alcohol.

   I think if I ever win the lottery I'm gonna get all my ex girlfriends incorporated into a life size whack-a-mole game.

   Let's give thanks we live in a country where political disagreements are expressed with poorly spelled Facebook posts instead of missiles.

   Oh crap... you said laser tag? I thought it was taser tag. Well hopefully that kid wakes up soon... sorry about that.

   In case you were wondering how desirable I am, I once won 2nd place in a beauty pageant. OK, it was while I was playing Monopoly but it still counts dammit.

   I bought one of those Lance Armstrong bikes. I tried to put it together but it was missing a Nut.

   Everyone is talking about Black Friday, I havent even seen the previews! Is that the new Kim Kardashian documentary?

   There's a fine line between being a freak and being a creep, Don't make me cross that line!

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you.

   Gaining weight and growing a beard counts as multi-tasking right?

   I flexed my muscles at this girl and my shirt ripped. Yeah, her boyfriend ripped it while he was kicking my ass.

   Happy Thanksgiving America ! from a Canadian :)

   90% of the girls I've dated, I got their pants off with my humor. The other 10% were passed out, so I had to take them off myself.

   You'll know it's real if I still love you when I'm sober!

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

   The amount of people who confuse "too" with "to" is just two damn high.

   Whenever I have sex I always pretend I'm having it with someone.

   I wear a mouth guard to bed, you probably shouldn't mess with me.

   I'm Thankful you all are neglecting your families to keep me entertained here!

   I'm at my white trashiest when I'm on the front porch with a group of people trying to figure out why the cops are 2 houses down.