Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally ran over a guy and I stopped to call the ambulance but then I saw his ponytail. Now I'm treating myself with ice cream.

   Why do men complain when women order a salad at dinner? She's doing your poor ass a favor.

   I live mosy of my life on the edge... Cause my fat ass girlfriend takes up most of the bed and couch.

   How are we supposed to get through the impending zombie apocalypse without Hostess Twinkies!?

   Sorry ladies, no more Ding Dongs---and sorry fella's, no more Ho Ho's...R.I.P. Hostess! ツ

   Well, I guess Twinkies don't last forever.

   maybe the Mayans were referring to the Twinkiepocalypse.

   What manner of devilry is this?!? Just when Colorado and Washington legalize pot - Twinkies goes out of business?!?

   With the rush to run out and stock up on Twinkee's, I've invested my money this morning into insulin. Who's a thinking?

   The sign at this Burger King bathroom says employees must wash hands. I've been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. Nothing.

   Dear Men. When a woman is upset, don't ask her what's wrong, but for GODS sake don't not ask her what's wrong either. Hope this helps.

   We have 187 friends in common and I still have no idea who you are...

   Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   Inspirational stat us: Today's probably going to suck. Don't be a little b*tch and handle that sh*t.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   I get really excited when scrolling through the channel guide and see "Beverly Hills" out of the corner of my eye, then I notice it's 90210 instead of Beverly Hills Cop.