Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey guys if my wife asks, Facebook pays us bi-annually, that should buy me some time.

   First Mitt, now the Twinkie. Farewell, spongy, bland, artificial remnants of another era...

   The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

   Tell her she's Beautiful ...because Hot is a just a temperature

   The wife held eye contact with me as she released a long fart,,,,, if you're wondering what a couple of 20 yrs does after the kid's in bed.

   "What the hell is this?" - Dracula watching Twilight

   They failed to legalize marijuana in my state cause my Xbox doesn't have a "vote here" option."

   I heard that "Lincoln" was shot on location...

   It looks like the Mayans correctly predicted the day that two women at a Wal-Mart in Marietta, Georgia simultaneously reach for the last box of Twinkies on Earth.

   I eat my cereal with a knife.

   Another night alone,,,,,,,,I wish I was from Nantucket!!!

   watching the movie, "The Hostage" Never saw it, But you can't go wrong with some Bruce Willis --You just can't....

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job you loser" after its completed.

   Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   WHAT? 10 TO 20!?! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET!!! ... Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here...

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Am I the only one in Crocks?

   Anything that requires my presence before 4 pm on a weekend is an obligation, not recreation...