Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We need to come up with a medical term for that feeling that you get on a Sunday night, knowing that you'll be back at work for another week come Monday morning. And quickly, because I need to phone in sick for tomorrow.

   Black Friday: Where one day after giving thanks for what we have, we trample each other to buy what we don't.

   That's because women like you are built like the Grand Canyon! (to the post below)

   Every f'n idiot with Instagram now thinks they are a photographer. Knock it off.... You look like a tool.

   Wait. No more deep-fried Twinkies at the fair? Now how am I supposed to kill myself??

   if Satruday is Small Business Saturday, then black Friday is Fortune 500 Friday!!

   If you believe beating your meat is evil, but beating your wife is ok, you just might just be from a red state.

   If your girlfriend is not a Psycho then she isn't in love.

   How are there still millions of bald men in this country when there is an abondance of permanent markers?

   I don't need a safe word because socks don't have ears.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Tied up in a sack and shipped over from an exotic country.

   Okay. I've noticed you. Now go away.

   My timeline hates your drama.

   No matter where I hide the chocolates, I always seem to find them.

   I think I can hear myself getting fat.

   My girlfriend asked me what "misogynistic" meant and I told her to shut the hell up and get her fat ass back in the kitchen.

   people that put empty containers back in the fridge and pantry are the same people that want to a die, a long, slow and painful death.

   people that say 'i shi t you not' should probably invest in some laxatives.

   I am 100 days sober today!!! well, not in a row but it still counts right?

   you should be less concerned with my spelling & grammar & more concerned with the fact that i'm sleeping with your sister/mum/wife/pet/sock.