Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel dirty every time I click on a page and get an "internal server error." I feel like I should have been wearing protection.

   The best way to deliver bad news is a message frosted onto a cake. "You want a divorce?!" "Yeah, and a slice with a flower on it."

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   If you're always gossiping and lying, you're a power seeker.

   I wonder if Woody and Buzz have ever met any of Andy's Mom's toys. They probably have the same names.

   I want a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that say "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

   DID YOU KNOW : They automatically qualify you for AARP if you provide an " AOL" email address

   As a kid I remember my dad taking us to a hill and rolling us down in tires. Them were Good Years

   I am confused did Roethlisberger hurt his arm playing football or rap!ng somebody?

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   Relationships are fine, if you're into sober sex.

   Thanks to the economic crisis, bartending got upgraded from a job to a career.

   People who live in Orlando that go to Disney World are more ret@rded than New Yorkers who visit the Statue Of Liberty.

   Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. Thanks Socrates.

   China is the only country that gets to have towns in just about every city in the world.

   I've been in this str!p club for days. No windows, no clocks. The only way I know it's daytime right now is because the dancers on this shift are seriously u6ly.

   The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer