Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I kinda wish I was sober enough to remember what really happened. One moment we was having fun, the next thing I knew, its Monday and I'm getting emails..... R.I.P - Saturday & Sunday

   so I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more...

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   I sure wish they'd invent an app that keeps birds from crapping on my car! :/

   Twilight won the Teen Choice Awards, Justin Bieber won the Best New Artist Award and now Twinkies are now longer being made... What is this world coming too? Smh

   Single White Female, 29, into moshing, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

   .Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', 'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer.

   my Gwinnett county detention center uniform looks better than the rags the steelers are wearing tonight.

   Lincoln may be doing well in the theatre today, but that wasn't always the case.

   Drunk people are the only honest ones left.

   So they legalize marijuana and then get rid of Twinkies? Is our government playing some kind of cruel joke on us?

   34 days until the world ends. LETS GOOO

   Best Relationship: Talk like bestfriends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   You know a girl is serious when they say your name in a text.

   Don't shop when hungry. Don't date when horny. Don't update your status when drunk

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   Restarting the whole song because you missed your favorite line.

   Girlfriend- I hate you when your stoned. Me- I hate you when i'm not.