Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't forget to show appreciation to those you're most thankful for this holiday season. You know your pharmacist, bartender and weed guy.

   I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."

   I'm firming up my holiday plans. It looks like multiple trips to the kitchen plus an extended stay on the couch.

   In memory of Mr. Food's passing, I will eat a lot of food tomorrow, and I will inappropriately be saying, "Ooh! It's so good!" after every bite throughout the day....

   the best way to get laid by a Red Lobster waitress is to tell her your the manager at Long John silvers.

   I always worry that mankind is going to start World War III solely because we enjoy trilogies.

   Did anyone see Anderson Cooper reporting the news live from the heart of raining missles in Gaza. He looked so brave crouching behind the wall of his hotel balcony with his extra white hair....

   I went to the store to buy a Hallmark card that says " So sorry you are unemployed and homeless" I am crossing my fingers that you get your house back, sue the bank and never have to work again.

   Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive women who drink entirely too much and need to be the center of attention at all times..... you are going to like me a lot...

   Black Friday... a special time to keep Capitalism in Christmas

   A stupid, ridiculous, sappy, eye-rolling Hallmark commercial just made me tear up...the holidays are officially here.

   eating prunes!! Like my day wasn't sihtty enough...

   Now that a billonaire in Mexico is going to buy out Hostess the twinkie will come in 3 flavors. Hot, Medium and mild.

   I personally do not care if the Toyota's are made in my basement….it is still a Toyota. Toyota is not an American company.

   My dog just told me he's been faking his leg humps.

   This guy across the street does nothing but baby his car. OCD. Obsessive Car Detailing.

   Tom, an 80 year old man, failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Damn big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

   I noticed last night that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.

   the doctor says go to the gym but he doesnt say to step inside it....theres a Chick-fil-A next to the gym at the mall

   My sleep number is Bacardi 151