Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am as messed up as the alphabetical order on a keyboard.

   I asked my wife what she wants for Christmas. She said, "Oh, nothing special." So I'm giving her a framed picture of her t!ts.

   I saw an inflatable ATM machine today. The screen said Please do not enter PIN

   I wonder if drug dealers do black Friday lol ...weed and crack 20% off

   I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth.

   Kanye West calls Thanksgiving You're Welcome Day.

   I think it's funny how everyone is suddenly thankful for everything just because its Thanksgiving

   LIKE if you're still stuck at the Kid's table.

   Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   Who wants to put on a bear costume and tear apart the tents of people camping outside a Best Buy for Black Friday?

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....

   The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....

   In retaliation for the genocide of their people the Indians today magnificently beat the Cowboys in a game of football! All is even!

   My is coffee is broken. I added red bull and a five hour energy shot. I can now hear what my hair is thinking.

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans.

   Turkey is one hell of a drug.

   Black Friday? Don't they already get February?

   I bought a pair of "Meatloaf" underwear today..on the front it says "I would do anything for Love" and on the back it says "But I wont do that"