Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

   I hate the moon mainly because it's something I have to share with Nicki Minaj.

   Hey ladies, if a guy ever texted you the heart emoticon, chances are he also fantasizes about your brother.

   It might get dark and really cold in winter but at least it doesn't stay like that the whole year like your soul.

   Maybe those huge ass snakes just want to give us a tight hug but are really bad at it.

   Twice. The number of times you have to ask me if I'm sure I'm okay before I stop being okay.

   I found a big piece of pie in the fridge late last night with a note that said, "Don't eat me"....Now there's an empty plate with a new note that says, "Don't tell me what to do!"

   We hope your holiday season is off to a great start and if it's not you'll keep that whiny $#!t to yourself.

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don't you eat all the food?

   after thanksgiving I'm more stuffed then a 12 girl's bra at a justin bebier concert.

   The fact that there are a lot people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.

   If I reply to your one word text... just know you're special.

   If you're 13 & under & have a Twitter, that's cheating. You have to start from Myspace ---> Facebook ---> Twitter. Just like everybody else.

   The lady at the gambler's hotline must be a good luck charm. Right after our chat, I won $50 on an scratch off ticket.

   Holiday Shoppers are rude and dangerous......Unless I wear a suit and say I am a lawyer!

   Dear Department Store Bathroom Cleaner: Please use less WAX. When I go to the bathroom I am really not in the mood for doing the splits......

   Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to you?

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.

   The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!

   Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.