Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   eating some thanksgiving pie still with some cooh whip...cant have pie without cooh whip

   I wish I loved anything as much as drunk girls love taking pictures.

   Dear Taco Bell, Can you please include people drinking beer and getting high in your commercials. Sincerely, your core demographic.

   Hate mondays, annoy tuesdays, ignore wednesdays, smile thursdays, love fridays, enjoy saturdays, damn sundays.

   My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

   You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done.

   One day you're the main suspect.....the next you're not even a person of interest.

   The nicer you are, the easier it is for you to get hurt

   EX means ..'' thanks for the EXperience , your time has EXpired , now EXit in my life . !

   Having sex doesn't make you a s?ut, and being a virgin doesn't make you a saint.

   Never ask a cheater if they cheat. They'll cheat on that question too!

   I'm not fat. My stomach is 3D

   My back is not a voicemail, say it to my face.

   facebook is not a shower, keep your clothes on!

   Aren't we suppost to catch Kony this year or was that cancelled?

   Talked to this pimp today and he was pissed. I said why are you mad? he said I got to provide health insurance for my hos cuz I got more than 50 employed.

   trying to decide, laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.

   I'm not really superstitious. Usually, I'm just a little stitious…

   It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.