Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob so nothing else is important anymore.

   Never punch a person with glasses, unless they're wearing just the frame with no lens. In that case punch the crap out of them.

   on't name your bong after a woman, because we all know it's wrong to hit women.

   Just got 12 new girlfriends...or as some of you call it a 6 pair pack of tube socks

   whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public

   I guess all the leftover Thanksgiving dinner stuff is gone that was in the fridge. I'm telling everyone I quit cold turkey.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her right foot, for instance; if it's travelling towards your bollocks at speed, she's upset with you.

   When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.

   I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.

   Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

   X What does a Jets fan do when his team wins the Super Bowl? He turns off Madden and gets back in bed with his sister.

   stop sending me farmville requests or I will drive you out into the desert, strip you naked and smear you in honey. then I will tie you to an ant hill lying face up, cut off your eyelids so you are forced to stare at the sun while the ants slowly eat you.

   Hey guys? You know while I hope you are all enjoying Halo 4, Black Ops 2 and Metal Of Honor? I would like you to know that some of us single guys that have a life are enjoying your girlfriends as well! You know just sayin.

   Just had a dream in 3D! You think that was cool?! Damn that was one freaky dream!

   You know you're a 90's kid if you remember when Nickelback was decent.

   when women want to be treated like a princess, they go looking for prince charming....they need to look for Mario....he will do anything & has a lot of extra lives

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I've learned all that is possible for my brain to hold....