Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SCAM ALERT: If someone emails claiming to be your dad in heaven and needing $700 to pay a "be alive again fee".... t's a scammer not your dad.

   An onion just told me a joke. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

   My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders.

   I'm sorry,,, But we need to find a way to somehow combine "Shark Week" and "New Years" into one event..

   hey Missouri Powerball winner! Show me... the money (someone had to say it first)

   Winners in Arizona and Missouri. The Arizona winner will blow it all on skin lotion, and the Missouri winner will blow it all on having someone prove to them that they actually won.

   a panhandlers standing outside of convenience store just asked me for "spare change" when I told him I didn't have any, he informed me that he takes debit/credit cards with a minimum of $3.00

   I was really counting on winning the Powerball. I was also counting on getting run over by a bus driven by a bear.

   Did you know that if you spell "Go hang a salami" backwards it comes out as "I'm a lasagna hog" ?!?!?

   Ya gotta know the difference between berries and poop.

   My downstairs neighbor's 3 favorite movies of all time... 3.) “10,000,000 Explosions” 2.) “Army Guys Yelling At Each Other” 1.) “Subwoofer: The Movie”

   In the day and age of debit/credit cards, it sure makes it tough for panhandlers to acquire spare change while standing outside of convenience stores.

   A guy at work today asked a silly question. He said what could be possibly be better than winning the lottery tonight?? I said that's easy,,, winning it one day after your Divorce becomes FINAL!!!!

   My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's pop group The Monkees. I thought she was joking....and then I saw her face.....

   My daughter just told me when she grows up she wants to live in Kentucky and grow a whole field of ham... My God.

   John Gruden took my 4th grade picture to his Great Clips stylist.

   sometimes instead of poking you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend".

   When I see a guy standing alone in front of a movie theater, I just want to go up to him and say "She told me to tell you she's not coming."

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   I don't give a crap about you, your, you're or there, their, they're. I'm only worried about tiddy, titty or tittie…