Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first person you think of in the morning or last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or your pain

   You want to see a perfect relationship? Watch a damn movie

   If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.

   i bet evry person that has ever been on The Maury Povich Show voted for Obama.

   FYI Friends; DO NOT "share" Nolan Daniels's photo. It only ruins YOUR chances of winning!

   If you shared that "I will give a random person 1 million dollars!" Powerball hoax on Facebook you might also want to send me $5000 to claim an additional $50,000 bonus prize.

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   So a man walks into a bar with a monkey.. I forgot the rest of the joke but your mother's a whòrë.

   There's something to be said for HOT coffee and Bailey's on a COLD day such as this ;)

   It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   Some say the world ends in lees than a month... My question is this: If the world ends are we better off than 4 more years of Obama?.... Discuss...

   I would love to be a fly on the wall at this restaurant because it looks like the flies are having some kind of party on the wall!

   Someone should sit Lindsay Lohan down and force her to watch that episode of Saved by the Bell where Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills.

   I'm beginning to think that "love" really doesn't mean much to tennis players...

   I just had a big lunch at Taco Bell... Now I'm off to the woods to prove a point.......... :Yogi Bear

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   Ever notice when someone posts a pic of several women, the h0ttest ones are never t@gged?

   These spaghetti-o's taste like I don't get paid until tomorrow.

   Missed the winning lottery number only by 6 numbers.